watch where you step

Okay so here we go; I wanted to talk about the things that I run across when I'm walking the dog because it's become sort of a ritual when my wife comes home at night. I don't know if other people experience the things that I do but it would be interesting to find out because I have found it at times hilarious and other times a little frightening.
Anyway, the first thing I would like to talk about is the inordinate amount of undergarments I find on our walks. Which begs the question how did those panties get there? We've come across them by the rail road tracks, near apartment buildings, and in the middle of nowhere. For approximately the last week we've been walking by a pair of boxers near the sidewalk adjacent to the fire station. I guess the only thing other than finding underwear on the sidewalk that is surprising is that my dog isn't anywhere near as interested in these pairs of underwear as the ones in my hamper. I don't think I want to know why.
Another almost equally disturbing thing we've come across on our daily sojourn was unused condoms near a bus stop at an apartment complex. Again, this leaves me wondering how these two condoms ended up on the sidewalk. My only guess is that someone needed one condom and bought a three pack could not be caught by a third party with the other two.
Less disturbing, but equally mysterious are the ridiculous amount of shoes I find on our walks. There doesn't seem to be a correlation in size or style, just that they seem to be everywhere we walk. Finding shoes on the sidewalk could possibly be the strangest thing of all, I mean, when one’s shoe has fallen off while walking and one does not realize that. Alas, another of life's great mysteries that may never be solved. One more thing about finding shoes, I know what one might think and that is that some child has lost a gym shoe but I am here to tell you that this is not the case; we are talking flip-flops dress shoes boots sandals etc.
Now and then we discover things that seem less mysterious, like rappers or foodstuffs along with the occasional dead animal. Cds that are found by the side of the road seem to have a more obvious origin. I guess it time for the generic part of this list: socks, newspapers, tires, broken bicycles, candy, records, vacuum cleaners, numerous side view mirrors, a cell phone, a golf club, a railroad spike, a concrete child’s head, a Doberman (alive, and goofy as hell) a candle, a mirror, a wooden crate, a chair, etc. Anyway you get the point it goes on and on. I believe that some people who live their lives sheltered i.e. without a dog should know these things exist, and they exist on your sidewalk.
Of all the things I have found on my dog walking adventures, the best thing I ever found was a $20 bill. It was like Christmas. It was like God had thrown a $20 bill down as payment for walking the crap out of my dog. Never mind that it worked out to about a half a penny an hour, I was just glad to be appreciated. My dog doesn't appreciate me anymore; she has come to take in our walks for granted and gets very angry if I'm running late. Now you dog owners know what that means. Piss off the Princess and you may find your wedding shoes or your boots full of crap.

women and toilets

So, I learned something new about women last week. It turns out that when a woman buys a house with three bathrooms she expects all three to be working at the same time. Now I personally thought that two out of three was pretty awesome. Think about it, as long as you have two working toilets you're good to go no matter where you are in the house. My wife disagrees.
Now let me back up. The reason we had a broken toilet was due to my wife's sudden and urgent need to get a glass of water and to put that glass right on the corner of the vanity closest to the toilet. Which, later, crossed paths with my urgent need to use said toilet. But I accidentally tipped the glass into the toilet shattering it into many shiny little pieces that of course disappeared down the hole in the bottom. I went to get my rubber gloves and proceeded to fish out all the pieces I could reach. I thought this was a great plan and I thought also that I had gotten all the pieces. I gave the toilet a test flush and everything seemed okay.
The next evening my wife came downstairs and informed me that the toilet would not flush or more specifically that the water would not go down. I, being a man, assumed that this would have to be due to a woman's need to use copious amounts of paper so I told her where the plunger was and thought I was done with the incident. After five minutes my wife reappeared in the doorway interrupting my important thoughts, i.e. my TV watching, to tell me that the toilet still wouldn't flush. I went upstairs thinking she did not know how to plunge a toilet and learned after some shucking and jiving that if she did not know, I did not either.
Now fast-forward to a few days ago. I spent the afternoon taking apart the toilet and determined after much hard work on my part that wedged firmly in the exit to the toilet was a huge piece of glass and enough toilet paper to start my own company producing slightly used bath tissue.
After my repairs were complete, I called my wife at work to inform her that I was indeed her night in shining porcelain. Imagine my surprise when her reaction was not complete and utter adulation. Don't get me wrong, she was pleased, but she did not feel the need to put together a parade in my honor. Shocking.
So once again, I learned a valuable lesson, and by again I mean I learn it over and over again. I can study to my hearts content trying to figure out who in this equation was originally at fault but in the end I think we know it's always going to be me. Thus, I fixed the toilet and get on with my life and everyone is happier for it. Especially my wife, who likes to have three choices in toilets; and don’t even get me started on the shoes.

cars newspapers and magazines

I just got done reading an article about car companies saving money by not putting any options on their cars this year. This made me think of something else that's been bothering me. I get three or four magazines a month, and I've noticed that they are getting progressively thinner and thinner. I thought this might that might have something to do with advertising being off. Now I think it's more insidious. They're getting rid of everything in the magazines I get that was the reason I got them in the first place. And people are sitting around tables trying to figure out how not to go out of business and in my opinion chopping off their nose to spite their face. Cutting corners is just not the way to go. Losing customers in my opinion starts with them being scared and ends with them not having anything decent left to consume. I have a dog and she is the perfect consumer if she doesn't like what you're giving out she sniffs at you and walks away. I would also like to point out that she licks her own ass so it's not that she's all that picky.